Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
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Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Don’t touch that.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane