[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
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I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
twitter is a journey
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!