I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
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Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop