[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
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They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it