According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
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The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Blew my mind.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food