I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
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[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.