I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
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Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Google assistant rules
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things