I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there