If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
You Might Also Like
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
This story is comedy gold 😂
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅