‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
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I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.