LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
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Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.