A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
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One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc