Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
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Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it