“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
You Might Also Like
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.