I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
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Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.