“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
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This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Monday
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.