If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
You Might Also Like
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.