Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
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There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!