I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
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ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Whisper out to librarians!
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs