People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
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Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Every work meeting this week
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?