For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
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I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you