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Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.