Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
You Might Also Like
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
*3.5 thank you very much.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO