Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
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It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.