Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
You Might Also Like
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?