I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
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[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Bless you
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Modded the new Gran Turismo