[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
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Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
this country is so goddamn polarized
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito