Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
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A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked