[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
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“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.