My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
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baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
#oldknees
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
worst…sale…ever
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”