I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
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It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂