Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
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Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.