Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
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Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving