Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
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Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
“What?”
– Jude
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.