Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
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Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.