I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
You Might Also Like
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Great game to play with friends
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.