I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
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MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?