My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
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[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”