Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
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Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
BRAKING NEWS!!
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Just a phase…
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.