If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
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“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Me trying to walk in a dream
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Trying
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
wait.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
🤣
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
fixed it
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.