When I pack too much for a short trip.
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Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Imma just leave this here…………
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Who did it better?
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise