I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
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The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.