Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
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I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore