Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
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can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
*has no idea what a book even is*
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Brands during Pride
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked