I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
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My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner