Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
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*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Just as the prophecy foretold
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.