Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
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WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.