*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
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Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh