Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
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“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence