I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
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So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Just a bush.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Saturday